Scrubs Season 8
by silentanner90
Summary: Fanscript. This occurs after Season 7, even though it hasn't come on. Assume that Elliot and Keith are married and that JD's son is named Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian. My first Scrubs fic, so no flames please! Constructive critism is welcome! Read & Review!
1. My Human Nature

Scrubs

Season 8, Episode 1

"My Human Nature"

**Scene 1: Turk and JD are standing in a hallway.**

JD (Narration) – It's an awesome day. Not only is it the first day of fall, but Dr. Kelso has an important announcement to make, and there have been rumors circulating over the past year that he's retiring.

Turk – Come on, Vanilla Bear, Kelso's making his announcement.

_JD doesn't answer.  
_

Turk – JD? Are you listening?

_JD makes some hand motions._

Turk – Oh, you don't respond to Vanilla Bear anymore.

JD – Call me "White Chocolate". I may be white on the outside, but I'm black on the inside. _Does Turk impression. _ Ya know what I'm sayin'?

Turk – JD, you're not black on the inside. You're more like vanilla ice cream, hence "Vanilla Bear."

JD – I am black inside! Like an Uh-Oh Oreo, or…or…Michael Jackson!

Turk – First of all JD, Michael Jackson ain't even black on the inside anymore. Second of all, if you're so black, lemme hear your Gangsta Talk.

JD – I dizzle fizzle all up in this here pizzle fo' shizzle!

Turk – That. Was. Awesome. Okay, I'll call you "White Chocolate".

_Snoop Dogg Resident shows up._

SDR – That crazy ass Dr. Cox told me that if I ever heard "Carol" (_Pointing to JD _I guess that's you, bitch ass) talk that way, I should slap you like the 'ho that you are! _Raises his right hand._

Turk – Don't do it, Snoop Dogg Resident! Although, I do like that your bitch-slapping hand is way strong.

SDR – Fine, I won't slap the cracka. But I'm an attending now, mo' fo'. _Walks off._

JD – Snoop Dogg Attending, huh? He's movin' up!

Turk – Yeah, he is.

JD – I wonder what it would be like to have him as a doctor…

**Fantasy**

_A man is lying in his bed. Snoop Dogg Attending walks in._

_Patient – Hi, doctor…_

_SDA – You can just call me Dr. Pimp, bitch._

_Patient – Sure, I guess. So do you know what's wrong with me, Dr. Pimp?_

_SDA – You got terminal lung cancer._

_Patient – How much time do I have?_

_SDA – A lot, cuz I'm gonna slap it outta you. Possy, cancer slappin' time!_

_Many gansters show up._

_SDA – One, Two, Cancer slap!_

_They all slap the patient in the head then leave._

_SDA – Now you're all better._

_Patient – Hey, you're right! Thanks Dr. Pimp!_

**End**

JD – I wish I had a cancer slapping hand… and a possy…

Turk – Yeah, whatever. Alright White Chocolate, let's go watch Kelso retire.

JD – White Chocolate? I love it! It's like I came up with it or something. _Cocky laugh_

_Turk shakes his head slowly. They walk off. _

_Cue theme song. __**Break.**_

**Scene 2: All cast are standing at the nurses' station, looking at Dr. Kelso.**

Kelso – Okay, everyone, gather 'round. I have an important announcement. Go ahead Ted.

Ted – But sir, why can't you do it?

Kelso – Just do it Ted!

Elliot – Dr. Kelso is so mean to Ted. It's like this time my maid…

Carla – …Consuela ate an apple and then some apple thieves…

Turk – …showed up and had sex with Mrs. Reid…

Keith – …who then had a threesome with Consuela and my father-in-law…

JD – …and finally the thieves took some apples… (take it Coxy!)

Cox – …so Barbie cried "Wah!" The end.

Elliot (high voice) – Ireallydon'twantyouguysfinishingmystoriesespeciallywhenyours-makenosense! Plus, my mom would _never_ have sex with my dad, Keith.

Kelso – Shut up, Reid! Why the hell are you here, anyway? You don't work for me. Ted, what's the holdup you hopeless peon?

Ted – Sir, actually it's "The _Worthless_ Peons".

Kelso – Cry me a river.

Cox – Oh, I hafta write that one down!

Ted – Fine, I'll do it. Dr. Kelso wants to tell you that he has decided to redo the nursing schedules.

JD – Well, that wasn't very beautiful. _Turns to Cox._ Yes, I know, I'm a girl.

Cox – Thanks for saving my time, Betty. Anyway Bob, why the _hell_ did you call us real doctors and those retard surgeons mistakenly given the title of "doctor" over for that?

Kelso – I like to annoy you, Perry. Although I'm actually retiring.

Turk – Hallelujah! _Everyone turns to him. _I mean… that sucks…I really loved you Dr. Kelso.

Kelso – Shove it Turkleton.

Cox – So, Bobbo, who's taking your place? Is it Beardface?

JD – You're a poet and you didn't know it.

Cox – Newbie, shut up.

JD – Sorry.

Kelso – Actually, Perry, I'm not naming Beardface Chief of Medicine.

Beardface – IT'S BEARFACÈ!!!

Kelso – Nobody cares. Anyway, as I was saying…

_Todd walks up and shakes Kelso's hand._

Todd – This was so unexpected, sir. I will honor your legacy well.

Kelso – You're not in medicine, you bumbling idiot! You can't be Chief of Medicine.

Todd – I can always transfer if you need me that badly.

Kelso – Leave, Todd. _Todd walks away. _For the third time, I'm naming Dr. Cox Chief of medicine.

JD(thoughts) – This really is a great day! My mentor is the boss now, which means I'm movin' up the ladder.

Cox – Why, Bob? I don't want your hospitality package.

Kelso – Perry, it's not a "hospitality package". You are the most capable doctor here, and I know that you will run it well. Differently, but well. I _trust_ you, Perry. _Walks to the door._

Cox – Bob! I don't-!

_Kelso leaves the hospital. All cast but JD and Cox walk away._

JD – So, boss-a-roonie, what's your first mandate?

Cox – You stop annoying me.

JD – Come on, Perry, you need me around.

Cox – YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME PERRY!! Look, Moesha, I think that you're confusing "you" and "me". Because the truth is that _you _need _me_, Susan. You always have. Now I know that you lay under your "Hello Kitty" bed sheets after taking off the "Barbie" ones since you wet them wondering why you can't be as good as me. But the sad truth is that nobody will ever be as good as me, Carol.

JD – Except for the beginning, that was less intense than usual.

Cox – Yeah, well, I'm pissed as it is. Now get out of my way Newbie.

_JD walks off._

**Scene 3: Elliot, Keith, Carla, and Turk are standing outside Elliot's office.**

Carla – It was a joke, Elliot!

Elliot – You guys think I'm an idiot. We are so done talking after this sentence! _Storms into her office and slams the door._

Keith – But Elliot, we're married! We're partners!

Carla – I'm your best friend, Elliot!

Turk – Elliot, I'm black! _Others turn to Turk._ I can construe her ignoring me as racist.

Carla – You're an idiot Turk.

Turk – Am not! _Walks away._

Keith – He just felt inadequate…

Carla – Now that, Keith, can be viewed as racist.

Keith – I meant that he wasn't her husband or best friend!

Carla – Sure you did, sweetie. And I just married Turk so JD would be jealous.

Keith – That's horrible!

Carla – It's not true. _Chuckling._ I can't believe you believed that.

Keith – I knew you were kidding Carla…

Carla – Whatever you say, slugger.

_They walk away, Keith trying to defend himself._

**Scene 4: Turk runs into JD in the hallway and tells him about Elliot.**

JD – So Elliot didn't realize that she was being racist?

Turk – Nope. You'd think she'd know that you can't ignore a playa.

_Cox walks by._

Cox – You're not a "playa", Mahatma.

Turk – Did you just call me "My Hot Ma?"

_Cox ignores him._

JD – He said "Mahatma" Chocolate Bear. It's Gandhi's first name.

Turk – Oh. Well since Dr. Cizzox over there ignored me, I'm going to decide he's racist too. That's two white people ignoring a black guy today.

JD – You know a black guy who isn't being ignored?

Turk – Yeah, look at Snoop Dogg Attending get his pimp on!

_Snoop Dogg Attending is seen surrounded by women._

SDA – It took me years, but I finally found my hos.

JD – He is such a player.

Turk – Obviously unlike me.

JD – Dr. Cox is just pissed about his promotion.

Turk – Who in their right mind would be pissed off about getting a promotion, notwithstanding that it's the best one possible?

JD – First of all, we're talking Dr. Cox here. He _isn't_ in his right mind. Second of all, he views it as help, and he likes independence.

Turk – That's true. Maybe you should talk to him. You can always get him out of hard times, like when he accidentally killed those patients.

JD – I guess I can. I'll see ya later Turk. _Walks towards Cox's office._

JD (Narration) – I don't know why Dr. Cox hates help so much. I guess it's human nature to want to be independent. Elliot's "defense mechanism" is, too. _Elliot is crying. __**Break.**_

**Scene 5: Carla and Ted are at the nurses' station.**

Carla – You must feel so free with Dr. Kelso gone.

Ted – We'll actually, I feel really bored. Dr. Cox hasn't asked me to do anything yet, and he's been in charge for 10 minutes already! I think I might be able to quit.

Carla – "Be able to quit?"

Ted – Kelso refused to allow me to quit. Maybe Dr. Cox will.

Carla – Of course he will. He's nothing like _Dr. Kelso walks up_ Dr. Kelso?!

Kelso – Hello Nurse Turkleton. I'll be out of your hair in a second, I just need to talk to Ted.

Ted – What do _you_ want, Bob?

Kelso – It's only been ten minutes Ted. _Gets angry_ You are too unimportant to disrespect me!

Ted – Sorry.

Kelso – Damn right you're sorry. Anyway, I need you to quit. My gardener and housekeeper just ran off together and I need someone to take care of my house while I'm finding new ones.

Ted – But, sir, I can do it on weekends and keep my job.

Kelso – There are five other days in the week. You have ten minutes to quit or I'll have to do it for you. _Walks away._

Ted – What are we gonna do, Carla?

Carla – Dr. Cox is the boss now, which means he can save your job.

Ted – I know it sounds hypocratical, but I don't want to quit.

Carla – The word is _hypocritical_, Ted.

Ted – Hold on, let me check my dictionary. _Reaches into his bag._

_Carla stops him._

Carla – It's not that important Ted. Anyway, Dr. Cox won't let Kelso take advantage of you like that.

_Todd pops up._

Todd – _Points to a nurse._ I'd like to take advantage of her like that.

Carla – Todd, that would be rape.

Todd – I know, but I've been waiting down there forever. See ya. _Leaves._

Ted – Alright, let's go talk to Dr. Cox.

Carla – Yup. _They enter the hallway._

**Scene 6: Elliot is crying in her office when Janitor walks in.**

Janitor – Hey, little lady. Is there a problem?

Elliot – Janitor, my "friends" all made fun of the way I tell stories.

Janitor – They are pretty funny. But you have to allow yourself to be a part of the joke and laugh with them, because otherwise you may end up alone.

Elliot – I feel like I said something like that to a patient once. Anyway thanks for that Janitor. One thing…yup, I did! Mr. Gerst. He got stuck with an erect schwing-schwong for like 3 days. I told him a story about this time I ended up roller skating with my pants down, and then I became part of the joke, and I helped him realize that it was okay for him to laugh at himself…

Janitor – Congratulations.

Elliot – As I was saying, I was kinda surprised that JD was a part of it. I mean, with his vasovagal syncope you'd think he'd understands what it feels like to be made fun of.

Janitor – Dorian was a part of it?

Elliot – Yeah, he was. _Janitor leaves._ Why do you care? Janitor? Where did he go?

_Keith and Turk walk in._

Keith – Elliot, I'm sorry for making fun of you.

Turk – Yeah, me too. (muttering) Ya racist bitch.

Elliot – It's okay guys, a friend helped me out.

Turk – Thanks for acknowledging my help, Elliot.

Elliot – How did you help, Turk?

Turk – Well, I said you can't ignore a black guy. I guess you decided we were all cool enough to qualify as black.

Elliot – Turk, that doesn't even make sense.

Turk – W'ever. Peace out! _Leaves._

Keith – Elliot, my shift is over and it's almost 5. You ready to go.

Elliot – Sure. Just let me clock out. _They leave._

**Scene 7: Carla and Ted are knocking on Cox's door when JD walks up.**

JD – That's a waste, Carla. He won't open his door. I know, I've been trying for like ten minutes. If only I could get through to him…

**Fantasy**

_JD is wearing a white cape and a black superhero uniform with a white circle on his chest that has "WC" in it. He flies through the window of Cox's office._

_JD – Dr. Cox, I, White Chocolate, the greatest superhero ever, am here to save you from yourself!_

_Cox – I don't want your help, Michael Jackson. Oh, and please don't rape me._

_JD – Maybe this will help. _

_JD raises his hands and a bar of white chocolate appears in Cox's hands._

_Cox – Wow!_

_He takes a bite._

_Cox – I love my job now! Thanks White Chocolate._

_JD – I'm just doing my job._

_JD flies away._

**End**

JD – I hope Dr. Cox likes white chocolate…Hey guys! Where'd you go? Ah, whatever, lemme try to break through the door.

_Todd pops up._

Todd – I'd like to break through her door!

JD – Todd, I think that classifies as breaking and entering.

Todd – Yeah, I know. I have some weird crime innuendo streak goin' on today.

JD – Just leave, Todd.

Todd – Okay. _Leaves._

JD (thoughts) – Okay, here goes nothing. White Chocolate will save you Dr. Cox!

_JD retreats from the door and stands on the nurses' station._

JD – EEEEAGLESSSSS!!!! _Jumps at the door. Cox opens it and JD rolls into the office, hitting Dr. Cox._

Cox – Get the hell out, Cynthia! C_loses the door._

JD – Dr. Cox, wait!

_Janitor appears and pushes JD into the wall._

Janitor – Let's see how you like to be made fun of! _Spray paints JD's scrubs pink with purple polka dots, then leaves._

JD (thoughts) – What was that about?

JD – Jerk!

JD (thoughts) – I have to get through to Dr. Cox. Ted's job is on the line. _JD knocks incessantly, and Cox finally opens the door._

Cox – Do you want something? Oh, are you showing me your scrubs? I like the new look, Carol, I do. It fits your girly exterior, and interior for that matter. Although, we can talk about how cute your scrubs are and if Dr. Matthews will think you're hot later. For now, just what the hell are you annoying me for?

JD (thoughts) – Okay, White Chocolate, time to shine!

JD – Look, Petunia, you were named Chief of Medicine! Now, I understand that you would rather watch grown men throw pigskin around so you can see them sweat than you want to head this place, but guess what Lily, you have a job to do! So I want you to march over to Ted, Carla, and Bob and get rid of Bob for good, because otherwise Ted will lose his job. Are we clear, Hermione?

Cox – You did _not_ just take those names from Harry Potter.

JD – I may have.

Cox – GET OUT OF HERE, YA WHINY BASTARD!!!

_JD runs off._

JD (yelling) – You know I'm right!

Cox – You _are_ right. _Walks away._

**Scene 8: Dr. Kelso walks up to Ted and Carla in the hallway.**

Kelso – It's been ten minutes, Ted! I guess I'll have to go tell Perry you quit.

_Cox walks up and whistles._

Cox – Wrong-o, Beelzebob. Now that I'm the boss around here, I think I'll decide to keep Ted around. Plus, to make sure you don't try to take Ted to hell with you anyway, you, Dr. Robert Kelso, are banned from Sacred Heart Hospital unless you're in need of medical help, in which case I'll have to allow you in. I'll be sending it in writing tomorrow.

Kelso – Perry! You listen to me!

Cox – Leonard! Why don't you help Dr. Kelso find his way out.

Leonard – Of course. Come here, ya bastard. _Picks up Dr. Kelso and carries him out._

Ted – Thank you Dr. Cox.

Cox – Shut up and get to work, Ted. I need you to type up that letter to Bobbo.

Ted – Yes sir! _Walks off._

Carla – I'm glad you're embracing your job.

Cox – I got a little help, but yeah, I'm good now. _Cox turn around and sees JD leaning against a wall, smiling. Cox mouths "thank you" and walks away._

JD (Narration) – In the end, human nature controls many things, but if you learn how to overcome the bad ones, you might just be happy. _Fade out._

Well, that's episode 1. **Review please!** It'll probably take a week before I get done with the next one, because I first handwrite it and then type it. Plus, it's really hard to think of jokes and fantasies, so be patient.

_Next Episode: My New Friend_


	2. My Happy Ending

Scrubs

Season 8, Episode 2

"My Happy Ending"

**Scene 1: JD and Dr. Cox are walking in the hallway.**

JD (Narration) – With Dr. Kelso gone, everything is so much calmer in the hospital. Dr. Cox is a great Chief of Medicine; so far, he has stayed true to his "patient first" philosophy. Not only that, but Dr. Cox's old Residency Director job is open now, and he's naming the new one, Dr. John Dorian, tomorrow.

_Dr. Cox turns to JD._

Cox – Newbie, did you hear even a single word of that?

JD – If it was "You are the new Residency Director", then yes, I heard every word.

Cox – No, Newbie, it wasn't. And ya see, I have enough crap to worry about already, so I re-he-ally need you to listen to me. I mean come _on_, I become Chief of Medicine of this God forsaken hell hole, and you would think more people would listen to me, ya would. But instead, Jordan only listens to my daughter, who I really wish she would take to that court for the name change already, and my son doesn't listen to anyone anymore besides Sponge Bob Square Pants. Now, he runs around all day yelling "I'm ready!" Well just what the hell's he ready for, Newbie? Cuz it sure isn't to listen to me!

_Cox storms off._

JD – So, is that a "yes"?

_Cox turns around._

Cox – Hey Newbie, I have a job for you.

JD – Do Residency Director duties?

Cox – No. A new doctor's coming to the hospital today. Introduce yourself.

JD – You respect me enough to let me do it?

Cox – How about… your idiotic personality somehow makes you likeable to most people, (JD pumps his fist) and I'm not most people, so teach him the ways of the American hospital.

JD – He's not American?

Cox – He's Indian.

JD – Indian? Can he speak English?

Cox – Nope, he speaks that African clicking language.

JD – Awesome! I get to teach him English!

Cox – Don't youfeel special?

JD – I _knew_ black people and Indians were the same! Slobodan never believes me.

Cox – He speaks English, Newbie, I was kidding.

JD – Well, at least I get to be the first to meet him.

**Fantasy**

_A man with a turban walks up to JD._

_JD – Oh, you must be the new guy._

_Man – Yes yes, I am Dr. Rajan Patel._

_JD (with a cocky connotation) – I'm Dr. John Dorian, your escort for the next few days._

_Patel – You are a cocky fatherless man._

_JD – A what now?_

_Patel – A bastard, I think the word is. Praise be Vishnu._

_JD – Is Vishnu like Hare Krishna? Because I tambered with some Krishnans once._

_Patel – No, they are dissimilar._

JD looks up at his turban.

_JD – What's under the turban?_

Patel looks shifty.

_Patel – Nothing at all._

_JD – Oh really…_

JD pulls off the turban. Five young kids fall out.

_Patel – My offspring!_

_JD – Weirdo…_

**End**

_Cue theme song. __**Break.**_

**Scene 2: Kim and Carla are at the nurses' station.**

Kim – So, Sammy's really looking forward to his play date with Izzy tomorrow.

Carla – Yeah… Izzy can't wait either… uhh, Kim, can you excuse me for a second?

Kim – Sure, Carla.

_Carla walks away briskly and finds Turk._

Carla – Turk?

Turk – What's up, baby?

Carla – Kim thinks Sam is having a play date with Izzy tomorrow. Did you have something to do with this?

Turk – Why? Do you not like Sam?

Carla – No, of course I like Sam. But I didn't know it was happening is all.

Turk – Oh, well me and JD were talking the other day, and we thought it'd be a cool idea.

Carla – So, you guys planned this without telling me?

Turk – Yeah. I though it'd be fun.

Carla – You only thought it'd be fun because it's an excuse for you two children to have a play date.

Turk – But Sam and Izzy are gonna be there too…

Carla – From now on, I make Izzy's play dates. I don't want to upset Kim, so _she_ can bring Sammy tomorrow.

Turk – You never let me have any fun, woman.

_He storms off._

**Scene 3: JD is sitting with Elliot in her office.**

JD – So, you wanna come meet this guy with me?

Elliot – JD, I don't even work for Sacred Heart.

JD – I'd have asked Turk, but I think Indians are scared of black people.

_Elliot does a double take._

Elliot – What?!

JD – Yup, I wikied it.

Elliot – That can't be true. I'll look it up.

_Elliot pulls up wikipedia._

JD – Well?

Elliot – It says here, "Indians are sometimes mistaken for blacks due to their similar skin color."

JD – Ohhh, that makes so much more sense. I thought it said, "Indians often mistake blacks for terrorists."

Elliot – You're an idiot, JD.

JD – I was tired!

Elliot – Whatever you say. Anyway, I'm not coming with you; I have to make a house call for my practice.

_JD opens his mouth to protest, then walks out._

Elliot (loud) – Sorry, JD! _She picks up the phone._ Hello? _Pause. _Oh, hi Keith. _Pause._ Yes, I remember it's our anniversary. _Pause._ I…I know you cooked for me. _Pause._ Look, I have a house call, then I'll be home. Love you babe. _Pause, then she hangs up._

_Janitor strolls in soon afterwards._

Janitor – Blonde Doctor! Glad you're still here.

Elliot – Hi Janitor, haven't seen you in a while.

Janitor – Well, I was doing research on my family tree, and I found some interesting stuff; I'm Jewish, for one.

Elliot – Jewish? How?

Janitor – My grandfather's second wife was Jewish.

Elliot – That doesn't really make you Jewish.

Janitor – Look. My life had no direction before I found the Quran.

Elliot – Don't you mean the Torah?

Janitor – Yeah, that. Anyway, I'm making it my duty to ensure that everyone follows the Ten Commandments. Have _you_ ever broken one?

Elliot – Well, I don't know what they are off the top of my head.

Janitor – I'll help you out. _Janitor pulls two tablets out of his cart._ 1. I am the Lord thy God; 2. Thou shalt have no other gods before me nor make for thyself an idol; 3. Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of thy God; 4. Remember the Sabbath, praise life and keep it holy; 5. Honor thy Father and Mother; 6. Thou shalt not murder; 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery; 8. Thou shalt not steal; 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor; 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house nor thy neighbor's wife. That's all of them. Now answer truthfully; God is watching.

Elliot – Oh boy. I've broken 3, 4, 5, 7, and 10.

Janitor – Maybe you should cleanse yourself of those sins. While you think about it, I'm of to cleanse the rest of the hospital.

_Janitor walks out._

**Scene 4: JD is waiting outside the hospital when a man walks up.**

JD – How's it goin'?

Man – Alright. Do you know where I can find a Dr. Dorian?

JD – I'm not a Dr. Dorian, but I am _the_ Dr. Dorian. _Cocky laugh._

Man – Hilarious. I'm Dr. Eric Shinter. _Shinter extends his hand._

JD (shakes) – Hello Dr. Shinter. Where's your turban?

Shinter – What?

JD – Your turban.

Shinter – I'm not Pakistani, Dr. Dorian. Pakistanis wear turbans.

JD – Oh, sorry.

JD (thoughts) – Note to self: not a jokester.

Shinter – Don't worry about it. Just don't do it again. Pakistanis are huge assholes.

_JD chuckles uncomfortably._

JD – Noted. Uhh, excuse me, I have a page. _Looks down._ Awesome! Dr. Cox wants you to shadow me for a while so you can learn about American hospitals. He also wants you to go to his office to get a pager. Right now, I have a patient to check on, but one of the nurses can help you find Dr. Cox's office.

Shinter – Thanks for your help, Dr. Dorian.

JD – You can call me Johnny.

JD (thoughts) – Damn it! Every time someone new comes to the hospital you tell them to call you Johnny. Fix it before he leaves!

JD – Scratch that, call me JD.

Shinter – JD it is, then.

_JD calls over a nurse and she and Shinter walk off._

JD (thoughts) – Now then, I have to go see my patient.

_JD is seen in the doctor's lounge with Turk._

JD – So, buddy, you psyched for the play date tomorrow?

Turk – Ain't happenin', White Chocolate.

JD – Why not, playa?

Turk – Carla found out our true intentions and said Kim has to come instead of you because we'll "neglect the kids". Like that'd happen.

JD – Well, we _were_ gonna stick them in Izzy's room and watch "Sanford and Son" all day…

Turk – Did _Carla_ have to know that?

JD – Either way, she does now.

Turk – She never lets us have any fun!

JD – I know, baby, I know.

Turk – Did you just call me "baby"?

JD – So this new doctor is shadowing me for a while. He's from India.

Turk – India? Does he have a turban?

JD – No, supposedly only Pakistanis wear turbans. Oh, speaking of, Pakistanis and Indians do _not_ get along well.

Turk (shrugs) – So is he cool?

JD – If by cool, you mean utterly boring, then yes.

Turk – That sucks, dude.

JD – I'd pass him off to someone else, but I think this'll get me points towards Residency Director.

Turk – Why do you care so much? You're the only one applying.

JD – He's my mentor. I have to prove my worth.

Voice – Caroline, get it straight. I am not your mentor.

_JD turns around to see Dr. Cox._

JD – Turk, did you see him walk in?

Turk – Nope.

JD – Where did you… too late, he's gone.

Turk – That was odd. Anyway, I have a surgery. Good luck tomorrow.

_Turk leaves._

JD (thoughts) – I don't need luck. Turk's right, I'm a shoo-in.

JD – Shoo-in's a funny word.

_Janitor appears._

Janitor – So?

JD (jumps) – Holy sh…

Janitor – DON'T! Saying that is offensive to me.

JD – Oh, let me guess, you're a Jehovah's Witness now.

Janitor – No, I'm Jewish.

JD – L'Chaim.

Janitor – What does that mean?

JD – I don't know, they always say it at Bar Mitzvahs though. Wait a second, if you're Jewish, shouldn't you know what that means?

Janitor – Like _I_ know. I never said I was Hasidic.

JD – I know. You're _Jewish_.

Janitor – Hasidic people are ultra-orthodox Jews.

JD – Oh, I see. So, whaddya want, loony?

Janitor – I'm trying to make sure no one in the hospital breaks any of the Ten Commandments; to start, I'm gonna cleanse you of your sins.

JD – Is it Yom Kippur already?

Janitor – What the hell is Yom Kippur? _JD opens his mouth._ Actually, I don't care. Anyway, I'm going to cleanse you by dousing you in extremely cold water.

JD – No you're not.

Janitor – Try me, string bean.

JD – Fine. If you don't "cleanse me" in the next 10 seconds, you give me $5, but if you do, I'll give you $5.

Janitor – Shouldn't I get more since I only have 10 seconds to fill a bucket with water and get back here?

JD – Fair enough. If you win, I'll give you $10.

Janitor – Done.

JD – Okay then. _They shake and Janitor walks away._ One one-thousand, Two one-thousand, three one thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand, six one-thousand… _Janitor creeps up behind JD with a bucket of water_ … seven one-thousand, eight one-thousand, nine one-thousand, and, wait for it, ten one- _Janitor dumps the water on JD._

Janitor – I had actually been there since six, but I knew your cockiness would make you prolong the tenth second. Tough luck. Ten bucks. _He holds out his hand, then pulls it back._ You know what? Get me some dry money.

_Janitor strolls off, whistling._

JD (thoughts) – Damn.

_**Break.**_

**Scene 5: JD and Shinter are walking through the hallway.**

JD (Narration) – It's a new day, and Dr. Cox is naming the Residency Director this afternoon.

JD – So, Eric, ready to meet your first American patient?

Shinter – You know, there _are_ American people in India.

_They walk into a patient's room, where a middle-aged man is laying in the bed._

JD – Hello, Mr. Haxton. I'm Dr. Dorian, and this is Dr. Shinter. We'll be taking care of you for the time being.

Mr. Haxton – Do you have an idea of what's wrong with me?

Shinter – At the moment, we don't, but we'll work as fast as possible.

Mr. Haxton – Thank you very much.

_JD looks at Haxton's chart._

JD – So, Mr. Haxton, it says here you're a high school English teacher.

Mr. Haxton – That's correct. Do you want to know an interesting fact, Dr. Dorian?

JD – Sure.

Mr. Haxton – During the Elizabethan Era, the theater was a very popular spot for citizens of Britain.

JD – There were movie theaters back then?

_Mr. Haxton chuckles._

Mr. Haxton – No, Dr. Dorian, I meant the theater as in one for plays. They were treated as the movie theaters of the time, though.

JD – Oh, really…

**Fantasy**

Many people are in the Globe Theater watching a play.

_Man in play – This is the door, Gertrude._

_Gertrude – Yes, William. I'll open it._

Camera shifts to a black family in the audience.

_Woman – Don't open that door!_

_Man – Don't do it! The guy behind it will kill you!_

William turns to the family.

_William – Can you _please_ be quiet?_

_Man – Can you do your job?_

_William – Touché._

Gertrude opens the door and the family screams.

**End**

JD (thoughts) – Black people were even like that 400 years ago…

Shinter – JD, you drifted off for a while. You alright?

JD – Oh, yeah, I'm fine. So, Mr. Haxton, were gonna run some tests and get back to you.

Mr. Haxton – Thank you, doctor.

_JD and Shinter walk out._

Shinter – So, JD, what do you think is wrong with him?

JD – Judging by the abnormal urination and anal discomfort, I'd say it's a simple case of gonorrhea.

Shinter – My thoughts exactly.

JD – So then why'd you ask me?

Shinter – Last year, you were named the number one doctor in the hospital, (see 7.06, "My Number One Doctor", on wikipedia) so I guessed you might've seen something I didn't.

JD – Oh, don't worry, Eric, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you.

_Elliot walks by._

Elliot – Joke recycler. _She shakes Shinter's hand._ Hi, I'm Dr. Reid.

JD – What? Oh, she's gone.

Shinter – So I see you're slightly conceited.

JD – Weren't you paying attention? She said "joke"!

Shinter – Now I _know_ you agree. First, you became defensive, second, Dr. Reid wouldn't get mad if it didn't annoy her.

JD (thoughts) – Damn it! He's good.

JD – C'mon, it's lunch time.

**Scene 6: Carla, Kim, and Turk are in Turk's apartment.**

Kim (motioning to Turk) – What's up his ass?

Carla – Oh, he's mad because I won't allow him to schedule play dates for Izzy.

Kim – What happened?

Turk – Ya see, JD and I wanted Izzy and –

_Carla cuts in._

Carla – Jennifer, you know, Dr. Cox's daughter, to have a play date, so I agreed. Those two nimrods didn't even watch the kids. So who had to deal with Jordan afterwards? Me, of course.

Turk – Baby, that's not_ Carla hits him_ what was that for?

Carla – Izzy's crying. Go check on her.

Turk – She's sound asleep Carla.

Carla – I said go check on her!

_Turk gets up, annoyed._

Kim – So why was JD there, anyway?

Carla – Oh, he was babysitting Jennifer.

Kim – Dr. Cox would never…

Carla – Actually, Dr. Cox doesn't care if JD baby-sits, seeing as he's not around.

Kim – I _guess_ that makes sense…

_Turk comes back._

Turk – Baby, Izzy was fine.

Carla – Oh, my bad. Actually, it's her nap time anyway. I think we should call it a day.

Kim – Yeah, Sammy needs a nap too. See ya in the hospital.

_Kim gets Sam and leaves._

Carla – Turk, why would you go to tell Kim the truth when I _clearly_ allowed the play date to happen so she wouldn't find out?

Turk – It slipped my mind baby, I'm sorry.

Carla – SLIPPED YOUR MIND?! Christopher, how could you do that?

Turk – I don't know, Carla. I said I was sorry. Wait a second, you called me Christopher! Are you mad at me? Because we're not having sex…

Carla – Oh, the yelling didn't clue you in? Well, let me help you out. Christopher, I am MAD at you!

Turk – Nothing even happened. Why are you upset?

Carla – Because it's not just this! You never seem to get it, do you?! I always ask you to dig deeper, but you never can! Last chance, Turk. Why am I mad?

Turk – I don't know Carla! You never LET me know! You think _I_ never get it? You don't give me a CHANCE to get it! And you know what else? YOU never get it! Last chance for you, Carla. Why am _I_ mad?

Carla – You're mad because you know THIS is about to happen!

_Carla walks out and slams the door._

**Scene 7: JD, Shinter, and Dr. Cox are in Cox's office.**

JD – So, Dr. Cox? Who's it gonna be?

Cox – Who's _what_ gonna be, Newbie?

JD – The new Residency Director, duh.

Cox – Oh, I haven't had time to decide yet. See, that's one of the perks they just don't tell ya about. Kelso would've been screaming his head off at me by now for not doing this on time. But now, _He chuckles, then smiles_ I, and this is just amaaazing, don't need to worry about Bobbo yelling at me, Instead Newbie, I, and don't you forget this, can tell you that I will decide when _I_ feel like it. Now get back to work.

JD – But I… but you…

Cox – Get out before I get mad.

_JD and Shinter leave._

Shinter – Is he _always_ that wordy?

JD – He thinks he's funny, I guess.

**Scene 8: Janitor and Ted are walking in the hallway.**

Ted – So, how many people have you cleansed?

Janitor – I don't keep count. But this is getting too hard; I really don't feel like following the Ten Commandments anymore. I'm hanging up my curly sideburns.

Ted – Why do you always give up?

Janitor – Because, Ted, life isn't _always_ about persevering; it's about fighting the right battles. Look, Ted, I'm not really Jewish. I just said that so I could pour water on Dorian.

Ted – I thought you had a cause to fight for this time!

Janitor – Not a happy ending, I guess.

JD (Narration) – Life is not a fairy tale, and rarely ever does it have a happy ending. Whether it's a cause that turned out to be fake, or a fight that escalated to the point of no return, it always seems to bite you in the ass.

_Turk is seen walking over to his answering machine._

Machine – You have 1 new message.

_Turk presses the button._

Carla – I just called to tell you that I've been at Elliot's. I'm coming to get Izzy tonight and then going to my friend's house for a few days.

Machine – End of messages.

_Turk goes to Izzy's room and kisses her on the forehead._

Turk – Izzy, I'll see you soon. I love you.

_Fade out._

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**Review please!** Few things: 1. Sorry it took so long to update; jokes are almost impossible to write. 2. I was thinking that Shinter should be played by Kal Penn, you know, Kumar from _Harold and Kumar_? Yeah, tell me if you agree. 3. Hopefully, I'll be able to write the next one sooner.

_Next Episode: My Big Finish_


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